Did anyone else get the ‘What to Expect When you’re Expecting’ App during their first pregnancy? Cause for me, it was 2012, and books were so passe… it was all about the app. I read it religiously. Each and every week, I looked at what was going on inside this little body of mine, wondering what my little bean was doing in there. I can now confidently cross ‘sleeping’ off the list, cause let’s face it, we all know she STILL doesn’t do that well.
The thing was, my pregnancy didn’t really turn out ANYTHING like that at all. I’m still waiting for my ‘glow’ and my heightened sex drive to turn up. Instead I got a whole bunch of other things that the app creators were conveniently too polite to mention. I had to find out the hard way, on my own, or risk looking like a fool in front of some close trusted friend or relative. So, now that I’m four years on from those times, (almost) three whole pregnancies down, I thought I’d present to you the ACTUAL ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’… Kirsty edition. You’re welcome.
I would also advise you to turn away now if you’re any of the following;
a) Become queasy easily.
b) Like to live in a fantasy land full of daisies and rainbows.
c) Do not like reference to genitalia.
d) Are easily grossed out by the mention of bodily fluid.
e) A prude.
f) Do not have a sense of humour.
g) Do not get sarcasm.
h) My Father… you probs just don’t wanna read this dad. Soz.
If you’ve made it this far, sit back, relax (as much as you can while reading something that I’ve written), have a giggle if you’ve ‘been there, done that’, and if you’re going through this for the first time… I’m sorry (not sorry) you had to find out this way.
OMG you’re pregnant!
Ah, the joys. This is where it all begins. You wake up one morning, full of life, aunt flo is conveniently ‘late’ and you so very hygienically pee on a stick, to instantly see the glorious result, of some kind of ‘positive’ glowing back at you.
You’ve been trying for so long, that even though you’ve woken up, a week late, with cramps in your uterus like period pain on steroids, your boobs feel like they’ve had one too many rounds with Rhonda Rousey, and the very sight of your husband makes you want to throat punch someone, you still think…
“Yeah right, as if it would happen now” *Insert eye roll*
Alas, you do finally take the test, but there’s no “Hygiene” about it. I’m pretty sure I got more pee on myself than I did on the stick. Nevertheless, TWO LITTLE PINK LINES!! Whaaaaaattt?!?!?!
You then instruct your husband to pick up more pregnancy tests on his way home from work, because this one is definitely faulty. I mean, it’s been sitting in the drawer of the bathroom cabinet since Adam was a boy…. or at least, it feels that long since you started trying. Lo and behold, 5 positive pregnancy tests later, you start to think,
“Hey! It does all work down there, one of those little suckers made it!”
This is how my convo went down,
Doctor- ‘Ok, you’re pregnant. Do you want it?’
Me- ‘Umm… yes?’
Doctor- ‘Ok, here’s a referral to the pathology place, see ya in a week’
**Where you then proceed to loose approximately half of your blood in routine blood tests… which feels great because you’re probably already feeling like crap… ENJOY!**
Does not simply take place in the morning. It’s ALL FUCKING DAY SICKNESS. Not to be mistaken with ‘Hyperemesis Gravidarum’ either. That’s a whole different level kinda shit. Regular morning sickness is still nothing to be puked at though. It’s like sea sickness that just doesn’t ever go away. Even water is not welcome in the body at times… and if you’re lucky, it might just go away by the magical 12 week mark. OR, you will be puking on the morning of your own baby shower at 32 weeks, and channeling your inner Linda Blair exorcist style during labour. Fun, fun, fun!
You’ll definitely start glowing…
Or, more accurately, you’ll become flushed, and really sweaty. Especially if your pregnancy takes place at any point during the summer. The puffy pregnant face combines with the sweat to give you a gorgeous summer ‘sheen’. On the bright side, the puffy pregnant face helps to smooth out any pre-existing wrinkles. So, you’ll look like a younger, fatter version of you! Winning!
Catch up on sleep now before the baby comes…
Seriously, the next person that says this to me is gonna cop a fly kick to their nether region.
Pregnancy Insomnia IS A REAL THING!
That, plus at a certain point you have a small internally housed child punching your bladder, which has now seemingly shrunk to the size of a pea (green kind, not liquid kind), so you’ll be up every few hours to pee (the liquid kind). Then, you get so round, that you literally have to wake up in an effort to hoist your belly over to the other side… Now you might be thinking,
‘Why even roll over then?’
Well, this is where the dead arms and legs kicked in. Those poor little fellas, once free to do their own thing, are now pinned under your bulging pregnant self, with nowhere to go. No blood flow allowed here, pins and needles, welcome back.
The joys of an internal exam…
Sorry… but your vagina literally does NOT belong to you anymore. NO, I’m not even kidding. There’s no time to be precious about your precious anymore…
Imagine how you feel about the joys of that 2 yearly Pap test… SUPER comfy right? Well, imagine a grown man (in the case with my first few internals), trying to reach your throat through your Vajayjay… poking fingers in places to see how effaced and dilated you are. On the bright side, if you end up having the epidural during labour, you could have a whole footy team stick their hands up there at the same time, and you wouldn’t feel a thing. Except maybe a case of the awks.
It happens, be prepared.
What did you say about MUCOUS?
You just cringed a little didn’t you? Well, sorry to say, it’s also a thing. Imagine your regular vagina juice if it were an inland Tsunami (Conjures images right?). It CAN happen, again just be prepared.
And, if you haven’t already heard of a ‘Mucous Plug’ you might wanna google it… but be FOREWARNED, it’s some serious grossness, hold your breath, and do it in a private place, perhaps with a bucket on hand. Sometimes this comes out in one bright shiny (just kidding, it’s not bright… it’s kinda wet though, so probably shiny is correct) blob… other times you lose it in part. Welcome to feeling like you’ve peed your pants all of a sudden, and repeatedly. It’s not as much fun as it sounds… BUT, it’s a good sign that labour is nigh. Or, that you’re body is just being a cheeky bitch, and lulling you into a false sense of security, and you’re still gonna get induced. Sorry.
Nice, gentle and drug free…
Almost ALWAYS means,
Really fucking horrible
Really fucking painful
Drug free (Ok, I had nothing for that part)
Poops and Poos…
Look, I’m just gonna say it. If you’re having a VAGINAL birth, you will probably poo. At this point, you’ve also more than likely been feeling a little gummed up. The poop don’t flow so freely by week 35 (at least) of pregnancy, and throw in a few months of iron tablets, and that baby’s been looking for a good release (your bowels I mean, not the actual baby… although that part is coming). Get used to talking about, or pooing in front of people. You’ll have daily conversations about poo, yours, and other peoples for the rest of your life. You will poo in front of people, while reading them their favourite princess story, until they’re old enough to respect personal space… so probably when they’re like 18, or maybe 20.
On the bright side, during labour, you’ll probably be so blissfully unaware (screaming in agony) that you won’t even notice. Until your husband so politely brings it to your attention the following day…. but hey, he’s the one who watched it, so really, what does that say about him?
How do you know when your milk comes in?
YOUR BOOBS TURN INTO STRETCHMARKED WATERMELONS OVERNIGHT THAT HURT LIKE A MOFO AND ALSO OCCASIONALLY LEAK LIQUID ALL DOWN YOUR SHIRT… That’s how you know.
Your sex drive disappears…
Around the same time you start to lose sight of your lady garden (if not earlier), it was there last time you checked. Now for all you know, it’s run off with the circus, presumably to take up the role of the bearded lady.
It was nice knowing you libido, Nathan hopes to be reacquainted with you one day in the future.
Dignity, sweet dignity…
Is a thing of the past. Say goodbye to it.
I’ve had more people looking up at my bare naked ass than Britney Spears did that night she forgot to put her knickers on (and spread legged in the back of a car for the paparazzi to capture… what a numpty). I can’t even remember though. Whatevs…
Be prepared for medical professionals to also support your lack of dignity. They’ve seen so many boobies and bums that it’s all in a days work, literally. I dunno how many times I’ve been to the OB and my pants have been pulled lower than I had counted on, before I can even muster a ‘HOLY HELL WOMAN’, which leaves me wondering if I managed to remember my routine ‘grooming process’, which is patchy at best anyways I guess (see point 12… probably a bearded lady already).
Buuuuuuut, you’ve seen one Vagina, you’ve seen them all I guess! I’m pretty sure that’s what they say about penises too… and if you’re anything like me, you won’t be seeing one of those for a while either.
The final word…