Tonight my ego & pride as a mother is as bruised as my baby boy.
Last night I broke baby’s nose & now I am just as broken.
I have cried more than he & although he is the one physically hurt, I am hurting for him too.
You know how they say as mothers, we are whole heartedly selfless, that we possess super human reflexes & strengths when put in situations that could harm our children.
Well, I have evidently learnt, that I do not possess these qualities. I am embaressed to admit this & am ashamed of myself more than anyone else could ever possibly be.
Last night I walked out to the car that was parked on the side of the street, holding my baby in my arms, the place where he normally is, comfortable & safe.
Then I felt sharp shooting pain in arm, I looked down to see a bee sitting next bub on me & without thinking I swiped it off as fast as I could & in that swift motion my hold on him had loosened, he wriggled, then dove forward, face first into the edge of a gutter. I quickly tried to grab him, i thought i had, with my hand grabbing hold of the back of his pants but when I scooped him up and saw his face covered in blood & his nose noticably out of shape, with swelling & bruising already setting in within seconds.
I knew in that moment that I didnt save him at all & that I had obviously broken his nose.
2 + hours in emergency, me crying like an absoloute fool while he nestled into my arms for a good hour..
That is until his Dad came, then it was all fun + games for the two. Perked up all of a sudden, he was trying scale the chairs, run around, bang his forehead on the wall (because we told him not to) & get up to mischief in general (of course, he is a child of ours after all) despite have blood pour from his nose, it being so swollen and bruised & couldn’t breathe properly & the little poppet was saturated in blood & saliva.
No concussion, Pain meds advised, follow up with a GP after the swelling dies down in a week or so, to check if he will require any surgery.
They say “shit happens” Don’t dwell & just move forward but these moments in time & feelings simply don’t “brush off” it’s just not that easy.
Maybe it’s important to have your feelings validated? You need to take the time to momentarily give in to the emotions & feel all the feels. Bottling it all up & suppressing how you feel will probably only end in disaster with an explosion of emotions or a mental break down & that will be so much harder to over come.
That’s how it is for me anyway.
So, tonight I feel like the shittest mum (& no doubt tomorrow I will too) I know that I’m not, but that’s how I feel & it’s OK. Time will make us both better.
So tonight I will dwell in my self pity, gorge myself with tea & chocolate, smother the kids in kisses & snuggle my boy as he sleeps & I wont let go.
They say without the stormy days we wouldn’t appreciate the sunny ones & without the rain, we wouldn’t see rainbows.
I am pretty sure the fact that I have four amazing, healthy kids, a roof over our head, food on the table & clothes on our back is a pretty good god damn rainbow in this crap weather right now.