The day I found out I was pregnant with Bowie was not a good day for me. I don’t really remember what drove me to even take a pregnancy test. Levi was 4 months old and we’d just come back from a friends place who while we were there I expressed that I had an inkling, she happen to have a test in her bathroom and so I took it home.
I didn’t even tell Phil I was taking the test because I just couldn’t comprehend that being pregnant might have been a possibility let alone talk about it.
I snuck into the bathroom while he was in the lounge room and peed on the stick.
I put it down and then went and sat on the bed while my 3 minute timer ticked away, longest 3 minutes of my life.
Once it was done I walked over and picked it up, positive.
My heart sank, and I know that makes me sound like a terrible terrible person but at the time that was my reaction. Levi was only 4 months old, my body had barely recovered from the last time i gave birth and I was about to do it again. Tears welled up in my eyes and I walked into the lounge room, I just stood in the door way staring at Phil.
He asked me what was wrong and I said “I’m pregnant”. I waited for some kind of reaction from him but he just smiled and said “Oh? That’s sweet baby, cool.”
I felt instantly angry at him, when I first told him I was pregnant with Levi he turned as white as a ghost, i thought he was going to be sick… so why was this time different?
“It’s not fucking cool!”I shouted and stormed off. I was so angry at him and pretty much blamed him for knocking me up (I know it takes two).
I know this makes me sound terrible but at the time I just wasn’t ready, Levi was still a baby, MY baby and I wasn’t ready for another one. I didn’t want him to have to share me, I didn’t want this new baby to take up any time that we would normally spend together.
Levi was my whole world, how could I love another baby as much as I love him?
I couldn’t, no way.
For days I didn’t even want to talk about it, I wasn’t happy, I didn’t want anyone to know.
This wasn’t what I wanted and so I thought something had to be done.
I made an appointment at a clinic to have the pregnancy terminated.
I just couldn’t wrap my head around having another baby in my life and thought that it had to be done. I went to work and carried on like nothing was different, I didn’t tell anyone. It was the day before the appointment, I hadn’t really spoken to Phil about it, I could see he was disheartened but he supported my decision. The day before my appointment I got a text from the clinic confirming my appointment and to reply Y for yes and N for no. I stared at it for a while and then put the phone down and started my shift, then on my lunch break I starred at it some more. I just kept reading it over and over again, asking myself is this what I really want, can I really do this?
I replied and carried on working my shift.
When I got home I waited for Phil, he walked in the door and sat next to me.
I turned to him and said “We’re having a baby’. He smiled and said “okay”. Then we hugged it out. Something just came over me when I was reading that text message, this little person was apart of me, apart of Phil and apart of Levi who I can not love enough, how could I just throw that away without giving it a second thought? I couldn’t.
Although I had decided to continue with my pregnancy I still wasn’t really thrilled with my decision. I didn’t tell my friends or family until I was almost 18 weeks and completely showing. When we made the announcement everyone was so excited, more then I was for myself. I would post pictures of my belly on Instagram and smile when people asked me questions but there was so much worry and anxiety I was burying inside of me.
The biggest question that lingered in my mind “How could I love another baby as much as I love my first?” I hardly felt any of the love i felt for Levi for this baby yet even when nearing the finish line. But at the same time It wasn’t like I didn’t care, I would still hold my breath at appointments waiting to hear that beautiful heartbeat and when Levi would start to get a little too rough around my belly I would get really nervous he was going to hurt the baby.
I’d find myself googling articles about other mums who had wondered if they would love their second babies as much as their first. All were positive and completely reassuring that you totally will and it’s just your pregnancy hormones sending you bat shit crazy!
Almost all of them said “As soon as you hold your baby in your arms for the first time, you’ll feel it”. I took that and I ran with it, any time I had a bit of doubt in my mind I would tell myself that quote. Another thing that worried me was how Levi would adjust, how would having a new baby at home affect him? Would he still love us the same? Would he resent us? Would he love this baby or would he hate him and want nothing to do with him? So many questions chipping away at me on the inside!
Bowie’s birth was quite traumatic for me and anyone whose read my birth story would understand why. It just went completely opposite to Levi’s birth and so due to some complications I never got my first hold, it was more of a “well done, here’s your baby now you have to go to theater because you won’t stop bleeding”
When I got back 3 and half hours had passed, I was coming out of sedation so I still couldn’t hold Bowie, I hadn’t even seen his face and so that moment had been taken from me. The burst of love that everyone said I would feel wasn’t there, I was happy he was here and he was okay but there was no urgency to pick him up or attempt to feed him.
I laid there wondering, why is this happening? Why didn’t I cry when he was born, why don’t i feel the way I’m suppose too? What’s wrong with me?
It was day 4 in hospital, I was on the road to recovery and finally walking and they’d finally taken my catheter out which may or may not have been a good idea because i literally couldn’t stop pissing myself. My husband had left for Melbourne the day after Bowie was born for a work trip so I’d been riding solo for those couple of days.
I still wasn’t quite there yet with Bo. Again I was happy he was here but there was no “I can’t put you down feeling” just yet, until… The midwife came in and told me that Bowie had jaundice, we would have to stay another night. He also had to sleep on a light blanket and wear a mask over his eyes to protect them from the light.
After they’d set him up and left the room I burst into tears.
My poor baby, was he scared because he couldn’t see? Did he feel sick? Was it something I had done that made him get jaundice? All these thoughts were flowing through my head, I picked up Bowie and I kissed him and hugged him like I never had before. I told him I loved him, that everything was going to be okay and that I was so so sorry. That was the turning point for me. That was when I knew everything was going to be okay, this was my baby and he was meant to be here all along. When we got home the love for Bowie only grew stronger with everyday, I couldn’t put him down, I couldn’t stop kissing him, I couldn’t stop taking photos. Whenever Levi would gush over him my heart would burst. I was so proud at how well Levi adjusted to his new baby brother. Big brother mode immediately kicked in, he always check on Bowie and kisses Bowie and Hugs Bowie and smothers Bowie with endless amounts of love. He has embraced this big brother role with every ounce of him and I am soooooooo in love with watching this friendship grow. Every little bit of worry or self doubt I had ever had was gone, I didn’t have to half the love I had for Levi to love Bowie because the Love just doubles, triples, quad-ripples even. It’s indescribable and it’s the best feeling in the whole word. |
I don’t remember life before Bowie and I never want too, he has filled my heart with so much joy and thanks to him I have no doubt in my mind about trying for a 3rd baby when we are ready and I can’t wait to keep growing this family of mine.
So to any mama’s thinking about or about to have there second babies and like I was, are struggling with the idea of adjusting to life with two, don’t worry.
It might come as soon as those two lines show positive, it might come at your first scan, maybe your last scan, the first time you hold them, or a couple of days later when for a second you think there’s a chance you might go home with out them.
The love will come and it will hit you so hard you can hardly stand it and you will laugh at yourself for ever thinking that it wouldn’t.