I often hear people talking about having this feeling of being “done”, that they just know when their family is complete and they no longer get clucky or yearn for another. But I have never felt done, I have waited for it.. I am still waiting for it.
After four babies and six pregnancies.. the smell of a new born is still as intoxicating as ever, itty bitty clothes still get me clucking and contemplating another child is still as real as ever.
Don’t get me wrong, I tied my tubes after my fourth. Not because I didn’t want any more – that could not be further from the truth. But because I knew I would always want more.
Surely if the all illusive “done” feeling hasn’t hit by now, it probably wont.. right??
I would be lying if I said I haven’t given serious thought on whether it is possible to get pregnant after having a tubal ligation, googling the statistics and even feeling a little disappointed when my period has been late, and then eventually comes.
I find myself day dreaming of what our non-existent kids would be like if we had more, what we would name them and who they would look like.
I get a little jealous each time I see someone announce their pregnancy, and then their baby’s birth, not because I’m not happy for them – because I am! But because I wish it was me. It’s like I am mourning the children I will never have, and although I am blessed with four amazing, brilliant, healthy kids.. it just sucks sometimes knowing that you’ve finished that chapter in your story and it can’t be re-read.
I see women during their pregnancies, their skin is glowing and they’re radiating with the joy of expecting, and I miss that. For me, I have never felt more beautiful or more confident in the way I look than when I did pregnant. There is something about the belly, how your body changes and feeling/seeing your baby grow and move within you – it’s mind blowing, a feeling like no other.
When I’m talking amongst other mothers about our birth experiences, and although for me they were excruciatingly painful (as in, the midwife told me to stop screaming because I was so loud and I refused to give birth until it stopped hurting. Swearing each time I would never do it again), I can’t help but look back on it all with fondness, a cheesy grin, excited to share and wishing I could do it all again.
I would happily spend a night bingeing on One Born Every Minute, or reading other’s birth stories online – the obsession is real.
If I see someone with a newborn, my ovaries start to ache and I just want to breathe in all that newborn goodness. They really are the biggest time wasters, I could spend hours just cuddling one in my arms and watching them as they sleep.
Maybe it’s because my kids are growing and with each one, getting bigger each day, I realise how fast time really does fly and although it feels like they were in my belly just yesterday, I also barely remember them so tiny. So I want to relive it again and again.
Or maybe it’s because in hindsight pregnancy and babies are so much easier. Take me back to the days when my kids only had eyes for me, I could put them down and there they would stay in the one spot, never making a mess and they can’t talk back to me or fight with one another.
Alas, I got my tubes tied because I knew if I didn’t, I would have another – self-control is not my strong point. If the option was there, the temptation would be too real. I would always be wondering if I should and justifying the need. Heck, it doesn’t help when I have a six year old daughter egging me on.
But for us, four was enough. We were complete, and although I knew I didn’t feel done.. Once I got my tubes tied I was content because the choice had been made for me. No turning back, what was done was done.
I knew four was our limit. At that point, we were spreading our-selves thin between the kids and all their individual needs. Children are expensive and financially, if we added any more into the mix then something would have to give. Not to mention, the more kids you have the more room you need.. we were at maximum capacity in both our house and our car. I must admit, at four we have well and truly hit out mental capacity too, with some days sanity being at an all-time low.
But I am still not “done” and not even close to feeling it.
I still miss being pregnant and wish I could have more.
Maybe I am the only one, or maybe sometimes, some Mothers never feel done? So how do you know and what do you do about it?
I don’t think there is one answer to cater to all as we are all different, living different circumstances.
I guess at some point, there has to become an end point and when you reach it, It becomes a matter of the head instead of the heart.